Back in January I attended a Guardian Masterclass on cricket writing hosted by Mike Selvey and Andy Bull. Our first task, against a 40 minute deadline, was to write a piece arguing against women playing cricket with men. This had been the subject of a front page article on England wicket-keeper Sarah Taylor in the Guardian on January 14th. Seemed like an interesting challenge.
Out they came, the England openers skipper Joe Root and his partner, in life and batting, Beatrice ‘Beet’ Root, the first woman to open the batting in an Ashes test. As they descend the pavilion steps and look skyward at the uncertain cloud cover, nearby spectators can detect a frisson of tension between them. They cross onto the outfield. The Australian bowlers pace out their run-ups and scrape the turf threateningly like eager hunting dogs marking out their territory.
As they approach the wicket the Roots turn to one another and start arguing : “I’ll take the first dig” says Joe, “I fancy a bit of Siddle this morning”. Beet’s hackles rise visibly and she barks back at him within the umpire’s earshot. “You most certainly will not. You’ve done nothing in the house all week and here you are in front of 30,000 people expecting me to play second fiddle. Or do I mean fecund Siddle? (There had been rumours.)” She turns to the Australian captain and calls over, ignoring her husband. “Michael (Clarke)” she bleats cheerfully, “At which end are you starting?”
On receipt of the information, she strides purposefully towards the Pavilion end and asks the umpire for middle and leg.
Well, you know what I’m getting at. Women playing a man’s game? Ridiculous. We had Smokers v Non-Smokers in the 1890s. There was even Married v Single at that time. No more. We got rid of Gents v Players back in the early 60s and now it’s starting all over again. We’ve had brothers playing first class cricket, sometimes cousins, even fathers and sons. But imagine a situation where you get a demon fast bowling woman turning out against her ex-husband. Or worse still, against her ex-husband’s new girl friend.
Imagine skipper Joe Root returning to the dressing room after winning the toss before the start of the Lord’s test. His wife has to be consulted in a separate dressing room. She lambasts him for his decision. “I told you we should field first” when he returned from winning the toss. “Look at the cloud cover. It’s going to swing all over the place. And you’ve got egg on your jumper. You can’t go out to bat looking like that. You’re captain of England. Try to look the part.”
The first ball of the Ashes series. Siddle starts with a gentle loosener which Mrs Root plays comfortably off her pads to Mitchell Johnson at long leg. Her non-striking husband and captain calls for a leisurely single and ambles up towards her end. Beet doesn’t move a muscle blanking her husband as he reaches the crease. Johnson’s throw arcs into Siddle’s hands and he nonchalantly removes a single bail. The Australian fielders euphorically exchange ‘high-fives’ and Clarke hugs Evelyn Waugh, Steve’s younger sister. Some in the crowd thought the hug went beyond Platonic. England 0-1.
When asked about the event after the close of play, the England skipper was rather sheepish. “We’d had an argument about the car that morning and she hadn’t simmered down. So she took it out on me. We might have been better off fielding first. But her innings of 73 made up for it, I suppose. The big challenge tomorrow will be to stop her opening the bowling. But that will be really difficult, as we have her mother staying at the same hotel. ”
ANONYMOUS TOSH 
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